My message to the dairy industry is: Make Dairy Great Again

We’re a nation of wimps! We’ve become afraid of fat. Why is that? I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid of whole milk. Give me a glass. I’ll drink it right now. When I’m elected, America is going to drink so much whole-fat milk again that it will come out of our ears. I was going to mention another body part, but I promised I’d be nice. I’m nice, aren’t I?

Milk cows on the South Lawn

I promise you that when I’m elected president, the first thing I’m going to do is build a dairy farm on the south lawn of the White House. Some people have cats or dogs. I’m going to have cows. And every morning I’m going to drink a glass of fresh milk. And I’ll serve milk at all my staff meetings.

My friends, I promise you this: When I’m elected president, there will be such a demand for whole-fat milk that there won’t be any cream available for ice cream and butter makers. They won’t know what to do. Too bad. But I have a plan to help them, too. Don’t worry. We’ll be eating cones and cups and sandwiches full of ice cream. We’ll be slathering butter on bread and topping baked potatoes with it. Doesn’t that sound good? Butter on top of a baked potato. With sour cream. That sounds delicious. Isn’t that delicious? Butter and sour cream together on a baked potato. That’s how I’m going to make dairy great again.

I promise you that when I’m elected president, the first thing I’m going to do is serve baked potatoes with butter, sour cream AND shredded Cheddar cheese at my inaugural dinner. It’s going to be beautiful. Butter. Sour Cream. And cheese. Delicious.

Free market pricing of milk

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m elected is to eliminate the federal milk marketing orders. Gone! There won’t be different prices for milk and cheese and butter. Farmers can charge what they want to. Processors can look for a better deal if they want to. Say “buh-bye” to the federal orders when I’m elected. Supply and demand. That’s the art of my deal.

Then I’m going to stop all this silliness over the standards of identity. Milk is an animal product. True fact: I never saw a teat on an almond. The word milk will be reserved for “the lacteal secretion, practically free from colostrum, obtained by the complete milking of one or more healthy cows.” That’s Uncle Sam talking now, not me. That is the official federal definition of “milk.”

Somebody once offered me a glass of soy milk. I spit it out. I spit it out! It was so low-energy. Same with almond and rice milk. Low energy all the way. Losers. Those drinks — I can’t even call them milk — those drinks should not even be allowed in this country. I promise you that when I’m elected president, the first thing I’m going to do is build a wall around the dairy case to keep out almond milk. And the almond milk people will pay for it. They absolutely will pay for it.

Somebody asked me if I want to waterboard the enemies of dairy. No. I don’t want to do that. Why? Why don’t I want to waterboard? I’ll tell you why. Because I don’t want to promote water in any way, shape or form. I even hate saying that word. Water’s a loser.

Here’s what I want to do: I want to use milk boards. I promise you that when I’m elected president, the first thing I’m going to do is establish a milk board in every county in America. And the milk boards will educate the public about dairy and they will show Americans why milk is the greatest beverage in America.

I’m going to make dairy great again. Thank you and God bless America. And heaven help me.