Could it be that the dairy industry and PETA might actually reach some common ground?

I’ll tell you how, but first wipe up the mouthful of coffee you just sputtered all over your desk at the incredulity of such a suggestion.

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

All cleaned up now? Good.

Researchers at Duke University, in a study of 209 smokers, discovered 19 percent of their subjects reported that consuming dairy products worsened the taste of their cigarettes. Fruits and vegetables were named by 16 percent of subjects as spoiling the taste of their smokes, while 14 percent said caffeine-free beverages like water or juice dampened their enjoyment.

What enhanced the flavor of their cigarettes? Mostly caffeinated beverages like coffee, tea and cola, or so said 45 percent of study subjects; alcoholic drinks were a close second at 44 percent, while 11 percent said meat make a smoke more tasty.

Researchers noted that taste alteration is not a magic bullet, and recommended that diet modifications be used in combination with nicotine replacement therapy by those seeking to kick the habit.

OK, so milk, fruit and vegetables make cigarettes taste bad, and meat makes them taste good. Hmmm …

Now, if only PETA members (and their lackeys at PCRM) could get over their hatred of milk (since no animals have to die to consume dairy products), this could be a smoking-cessation marriage made in heaven. Remember, the dairy industry never told anyone not to eat vegetables. Think of the multi-tiered campaign such a union could spawn.

But seriously, most PETA members would rather die themselves than condone the consumption of animal proteins, so it’s up to dairy to leverage this research on its own. It’s a perfect storm, really, considering milk’s role in weight control and ex-smokers’ propensity to gain weight.

Of course, my own dairy consumption has yet to dampen my taste for a fine cigar after a particularly good meal — but then, it’s usually a meal at which prime beef is served.

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